As promised, I’m delivering some Valentine’s Day Wake-Up Calls. God knows I’ve needed a few in the past few weeks. So, my friends… here we are…
‘He’s Just Not That Into You’
Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out
Many women have said to me, “Greg, men run the
world.” Wow. That makes us sound pretty capable. So tell me, why would
you think we could be incapable of something as simple as picking up
the phone and asking you out? You seem to think at times that we’re
“too shy” or we “just got out of something.” Let me remind you: Men
find it very satisfying to get what they want. (Particularly after a
difficult day of running the world.) If we want you, we will find you.
If you don’t think you gave him enough time to notice you, take the
time it took you to notice him and divide it by half.
Now you begin the life-changing experience of
reading our book. We have put the stories we have heard and questions
we’ve been asked in a simple question-and-answer format. If you’re
lucky, you’ll read the following questions and know what they are:
Excuses that women have made for their unsatisfying situations. If
you’re not so lucky, we’ve also included handy titles to clue you in.
The “Maybe He Doesn’t Want to Ruin the Friendship” Excuse
Dear Greg,
I’m so disappointed. I have this friend that
I’ve known platonically for about ten years. He lives in a different
city and recently he was in town for work, so we met for dinner. All of
a sudden it felt like we were on a date. He was completely flirting
with me. He even said to me, as he was checking me out, “So, what,
you’re working the whole ‘model thing’ now?” (That’s flirting, right?)
We both agreed that we should get together again soon. Well, Greg, I’m
disappointed because it’s been two weeks and he hasn’t called me. Can I
call him? He might be nervous about turning the friendship into
romance. Can’t I give him a nudge now? Isn’t that what friends are for?
Jodi
Dear Friendly Girl,
Two weeks is two weeks, except when it’s ten
years and two weeks. That’s how long ago he decided whether or not he
could date a model or a girl who looks like one. Can you be a pal and
give him a nudge? Nudge away, friendster — but watch how fast that
nudge doesn’t get a return phone call. And if your dinner/date did feel
different to him, it’s been two weeks and he’s had time to think about
it and decide he’s just not that into you. Here’s the truth: Guys don’t
mind messing up a friendship if it could lead to sex, whether it be a
“(expletive) buddy” situation or a meaningful romance. Go find someone
that lives in your zip code who will be rocked to the core by your deep
conversation and model looks.
I hate to tell you, but that whole “I don’t want
to ruin the friendship” excuse is a racket. It works so well because it
seems so wise. Sex could mess up a friendship. Unfortunately, in the
entire history of mankind, that excuse has never ever been used by
someone who actually means it. If we’re really excited about someone,
we can’t stop ourselves — we want more. If we’re friends with someone
and attracted to them, we’re going to want to take it further. And
please, don’t tell me he’s just “scared.” The only thing he’s scared of
— and I say this with a lot of love — is how not attracted to you he
is.
The “Maybe He’s Intimidated by Me” Excuse
Dear Greg,
I have a crush on my gardener. He’s been potting
the plants on my patio. It was hot, I saw him without his shirt on, he
was hot, and now I’m hot for him. I brought out some beers and we
talked. I think he wants to ask me out but is afraid, because he is my
hired man. In this situation, can’t I ask him out?
Cherie
Dear My Secret Garden,
He’s capable of asking you out. Haven’t you ever
seen a porno? Hope he gets there before the pizza guy. But seriously,
if he didn’t pick up the vibe after the beer garden, it has nothing to
do with you being his big boss lady. Time to stop and smell the bad
news: He’s just not that into you.
Let me say it again, sexual harassment rules and
workplace memos notwithstanding, a guy will ask out a woman of higher
status if he’s into her. He might need a little more encouragement than
normal, I’ll give you that. You might have to lead Johnny the Office
Boy or Phillipe the Exterminator to water, but you better not help him
ask you out. Once again, ladies, a wink and a smile will do it.
By the way, why are you dating the exterminator?
Just kidding, he’s a good guy.
The “Maybe He Wants to Take It Slow” Excuse
Dear Greg,
There’s this guy who calls me all the time. He’s
recently divorced, and in AA. We got back in touch recently, had lots
of phone calls, and then hung out twice in one week and it was real
cool. No flirting or making out or anything, but fun. Since then, he
calls me all the time but doesn’t ever suggest we see each other in
person again. It’s like he got scared or something. I would understand
if because of the divorce/alcoholic/starting-a-whole-new-life stuff he
wanted to take things slow. But he still calls me all the time to have
long heart-to-heart talks. What the hell should I do with this guy?
Jen
Dear Pillow Talk,
Sadly, not wanting to see you in person is
massive as far as dating obstacles go. And as far as the recently
divorced/newly sober/starting-a-new-life parts, blah blah blah, I’m
getting sleepy, it’s hot, I’m going down for a nap. When I wake up from
that nap I’ll probably thrill to the news that your friend is taking
control of his life. You, however, will still not be going on a date,
because despite all your excuses for him, he’s still not asking you
out. Now, if you’re a person who enjoys a slightly satisfying phone
relationship, talk on! But at this point it seems like he’s just not
that into you. Be his friend if you’re at all interested on that level,
but move your romantic inclinations onto a more suitable future husband.
If a guy truly likes you, but for personal
reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that
immediately. He won’t keep you guessing, because he’ll want to make
sure you don’t get frustrated and go away.
The “But He Gave Me His Number” Excuse
Dear Greg,
I met a really cute guy at a bar this week. He
gave me his number and told me to give him a call sometime. I thought
that was kind of cool, that he gave me control of the situation like
that. I can call him, right?
Lauren
Dear Control Freak,
Did he give you control, or did he just get you
to do the heavy lifting? What he just did was a magic trick: It seems
like he gave you control, but really he now gets to decide if he wants
to go out with you — or even return your call. Why don’t you take
Copperfield’s number, roll it in a newspaper, pour milk in it, and make
it disappear.
“Give me a call.” “E-mail me.” “Tell Joey we
should all hang out sometime.” Don’t let him trick you into asking him
out. When men want you, they do the work. I know it sounds old school,
but when men like women, they ask them out.
The “Maybe He Forgot to Remember Me” Excuse
Dear Greg,
Okay, Greg. Listen to this one: I was at a
conference for work and met a guy from another branch of my company. We
hit it off immediately. He was just about to ask for my number, I
swear, when the Big Blackout of 2003 happened. In the mayhem, I didn’t
get to give him my number. I think the Big Blackout of 2003 is a good
enough excuse to call him, don’t you think? It’s only common courtesy
for me to check up on him, right? If I don’t call, he’s probably going
to be all sad thinking that I’m just not that into him.
Judy
Dear Judy Blackout,
The city blacked out. He didn’t. You said you
work for different branches of the same company. Certainly he wouldn’t
have to break a sweat to scroll through the company staff roster or
interoffice e-mail listing to find you. And should he not be as
resourceful as you are…I imagine that he has a mother, sister, or
female friend that could show him how, if he was really interested.
P.S.: Shame on you for using an eastern seaboard disaster as an excuse to call a guy up.
Have faith. You made an impression. Leave it at
that. If he likes you, he’ll still remember you after the tsunami,
flood, or Red Sox loss. If he doesn’t, he’s not worth your time. Know
why? You are great. (Now, don’t get cocky.)
The “Maybe I Don’t Want to Play Games” Excuse
Dear Greg,
This is dumb. I know you’re not supposed to call
guys, but I call guys all the time because I don’t care! I don’t want
to play games. I do whatever I want! I’ve called guys tons of times.
You’re such a square, Greg. Why do you think we can’t call guys and ask
them out?
Nikki
Dear Nikki,
Because we don’t like it. Okay, some guys might
like it, but they’re just lazy. And who wants to go out with Lazy Guy?
It’s that simple. I didn’t make the rules and I might not even agree
with them. Please don’t be mad at me, Nikki. I’m not advocating that
women go back to the Stone Age. I just think you might want to be
realistic in how capable you are of changing the primordial impulses
that drive all of human nature.
Or maybe you’re the chosen one.
Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We
like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do.
Especially when the chase is a long one. We know there was a sexual
revolution. (We loved it.) We know women are capable of running
governments, heading multinational corporations, and raising loving
children — sometimes all at the same time. That, however, doesn’t make
men different.
IT’S SO SIMPLE
Imagine right now that I’m leaping up and down
and shaking my fist at the sky. I’m on my knees pleading with you. I’m
saying this in a loud voice: “Please, if you can trust one thing I say
in this book, let it be this: When it comes to men, deal with us as we
are, not how you’d like us to be.” I know it’s an infuriating concept —
that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It’s
insulting. It’s frustrating. It’s unfortunately the truth. My belief is
that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you
have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten, he’s just not that
into you. (And we want you to believe you’re one of the nine, ladies!)
I can’t say it loud enough: You, the superfox reading this book, are
worth asking out.
HERE’S WHY THIS ONE IS HARD, by Liz
Well, it’s obvious. Are you telling us that we
have to just sit around and wait? I don’t know about you, but I find
that infuriating. I was brought up to believe that hard work and good
planning are the keys to making your dreams come true. I spent my life
making things happen for myself. I worked hard for my career, and was
quite aggressive about it. I called people, made appointments, asked
for favors. I took action. But now Greg is telling us that in this
situation, we are supposed to do absolutely nothing. The guys get to
pick. We’re just supposed to put on our little dresses and do our hair
and bat our eyes and hope they choose us. Why don’t you just tie my
corset too tight so I can faint in front of some man who’ll scoop me
out of the way just before the horse-drawn carriage runs over me?
That’ll get his attention.
Really, in this day and age, the hardest thing
to do for many women, particularly me, is nothing. We like to scheme,
make phone calls, have a plan. And I’m talking about more than just
making sure our hair doesn’t frizz. Most women who date, I would guess,
don’t have men throwing themselves at them every night of the week.
Sometimes there’s a long stretch during which nobody’s asking us out.
So when we see a guy that we feel might be a romantic possibility, it’s
even harder for us to take a backseat. That opportunity might not come
back again for a long time.
But guess what: My way? Has sucked. Hasn’t
worked at all. I’ve never had a successful relationship with a guy that
I’ve pursued. I’m sure there are many stories out there to the
contrary. But for me, those guys end up getting back together with
their ex-girlfriend, needing to take some time for themselves, or going
out of town for business. Usually it doesn’t even get that far. They
usually just don’t ever return my phone call. And let me tell you, that
didn’t make me feel very in control of anything.
Since I’ve been implementing Greg’s handy-dandy
“he’s just not that into you” philosophy, I’ve been feeling
surprisingly more powerful. Because if the men are asking you out, if
the men have to get your attention, then you, in fact, are the one in
control. There’s no scheming and plotting. And there is something great
about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my
life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and
eventful a life as I can, so that it doesn’t ever feel like I’m just
waiting around for some guy to ask me out. And most importantly, it’s
good for us all to remember that we don’t need to scheme and plot and
beg to get someone to ask us out. We’re fantastic.
THIS IS WHAT IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE, by Greg
One night I was drinking in a bar and flirting
with the bartender. I asked for her number. She said, “I don’t give out
my phone number because guys rarely call me when they say they’re going
to. My name is Lindsey Adams, and if you want to call me, find my phone
number.” Which I did — the very next day. Do you know how many Lindsey
Adams there are in the phone book of a major city? Let’s just say I
talked to about eight or nine before I found mine.
An actor we work with met a girl while he was
making a public appearance on an aircraft carrier. He lost track of her
in about ten minutes. And yet, because he was so smitten, he somehow
managed to track her down in the army, and they are now married.
GREG, I GET IT! By Leslie, age 29
Greg! I get it. I went to this party and I met
this guy. We started talking immediately by ourselves, off in a corner.
He asked if I was single and seemed pleased when I said I was. Whenever
we split up to talk to other people, or to get drinks or whatever, he
always kept his eye on me. It was really cool. I was all excited and
fluttery with that “Oh my God, I think I just met someone!” feeling. He
didn’t ask for my number, but we know lots of people in common, so I
thought he was just playing it cool. He never called me! And you know
what? Normally I would call our mutual friends and start fishing and
trying to figure out what happened and maybe try to find another way to
see him again. But instead, I’m just going to move on! Who cares what
his deal is. He’s not asking me out, so why should I start obsessing
over him? I’m just going to go out tonight and try to meet someone else.
IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG
We did an incredibly unscientific poll where we
polled twenty of our male friends (ranging from ages twenty-six to
forty-five), who are in serious long-term relationships. Not one of
their relationships started with the woman asking them out first. One
guy even said that if she had, “It would have spoiled all the fun.”
What You Should Have Learned in This Chapter
• An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of “ruining the friendship.”
• Don’t get tricked into asking him out. If he likes you, he’ll do the asking.
• If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
• Just because you like to lead doesn’t mean he
wants to dance. Some traditions are born of nature and last through
time for a reason.
• “Hey, let’s meet at so-and-so’s party/any bar/friend’s house” is not a date. Even if you live in New York.
• Men don’t forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.
• You are good enough to be asked out.
Our Super-Good Really Helpful Workbook
Hey, what’s a self-help tome without a workbook?
Our chapters will all be so brave and wise that we want to make sure
you retain as much of the brilliance as you can. So for all of you who
feel the need to get out of your problems and into your crayon box,
have at it.
Love,
Greg and Liz
Remember in grade school how they told you not
to write in your textbooks? Screw that! Grab a pen and list five
reasons why you think you have every right or good reason to call him.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Put the book aside and wait an hour. Or at least
ten minutes. Then ask yourself: Do I seem pathetic? Do I sound like
someone who doesn’t trust my own innate hotness? Yes,you do! Now put
your dialing finger away, get out of the house, and go find some fun.
P.S.: You just did a workbook exercise about a
guy who hasn’t even extended to you the energy of a phone call. Why
would you want to chase that down?
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Kevin |
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michelle cheri |
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Amanda |
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Delia Crosby
Dede Crosby
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*E*N*G*A*G*E*D* |
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michelle cheri |
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Peace, Love & Michelle 