Master Cleanse: Day 2 June 23, 2009

Day 2… Damn, I’m exhausted. And tired. Oh so tired.

I wake up this morning and have the senna tea, as directed. I follow that with about 16 oz of water, and 8 oz of lemonade. While showering for work, the heat makes me dizzy and I almost fall. As I’m pondering how perfectly humiliating death my starvation and dizziness would be, and imagining the things that would be said as the paramedics pulled my unconscious, naked body from the steaming shower… the water temperature pulls a 180 on me, and I’m suddenly freezing. FML.

No longer dizzy, but quite certain that I may have some sort of rare disease that only surfaces when people like me are stupid enough to go on all-liquid fasts, then subject their bodies to rapid changes in temperature, I crawl back into bed and try not to focus on the pounding headache that is inching its way toward my frontal lobe. Ouch. I drink more water, but that only serves to increase the swimming feeling in my belly. So I take an hour long nap, then begrudgingly crawl back out of bed to dress myself for the mediation I’m conducting at 10 a.m. I prepare a 32 oz serving of lemonade in my pink Camelbak bottle, and head out to the office.

The mediation goes quickly, thank goodness. With a slight shift in communication methods, the parties easily agree on the bigger points of their case, and the smaller points fall in line rather smoothly. When hunger pangs attack, I sip my lemonade and the urges aren’t so powerful. But I think I hate lemonade now. Yep… I hate it.

Master Cleanse Summer 2009: Day 1 June 22, 2009

After weeks of excessive drinking, staying up too late, and not eating right, some friends and I decided to get back on track. We’ve been working out, eating clean (mostly) and now…

Call me crazy, but I’m taking another stab at the Master Cleanse (Lemonade Diet). I tried it last year without much success. Actually, no success at all. The second I did my first saltwater flush, I promptly threw up, and continued to do so all day long. Apparently, the body isn’t so fond of excessive salinity.

This time, with the love and support of my roomie Heather, who is also embarking on this wild and crazy liquid journey, I’m aiming for 7 days on the Cleanse… just enough time to ease off safely before Linda’s birthday on July 1st. And hopefully we won’t drink all that much. Because that would just be bad. Then, if all goes well, we’re going back on the Cleanse on July 6th, this time for the full 10 days.

So, this morning, I head to Central Market for the necessary ingredients:

Organic lemons: check… sort of. Heather and I are both busy and constantly mobile, so instead I opt for 4 16 oz. bottles of organic lemon juice, unadulterated and fresh-squeezed by the helpful folks in the produce section.At $3.99 a bottle, it’s a little pricier than the lemons, but much less work.

Cayenne pepper: check. 40,000 SHU organic red powder from the bulk section. I fill up an entire little baggie for the bargain price of 53 cents. I LOVE bulk spices!!

Grade B Maple Syrup: check, but this one is a little trickier. I try for the Grade B in the bulk section (at $12.99/lb) but the damn dispenser is empty. So instead, I’m forced to take the only bottle available in the syrup section. At $9.99 for a 16 oz. bottle, it’s less expensive, but doesn’t seem as fresh.

Water: check. 6 gallons distilled Ozarka water @ 99 cents each.

Tea: check. I grab “Smooth Move” Ogranic Senna tea (the recommended laxative tea) at $4.99/box, and Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer tea (with chamomile, peppermint, ginger, catnip, etc… the recommended herbal teas for easing detox discomfort) at $2.25/box.

I manage to get out of Central Market for just under $40, and drive home with a hopeful, determined attitude. After unpacking my goodies, I pour a 16 oz. glass of water and mix my first lemonade drink. The recipe goes like this:

2 T organic Grade B maple syrup + 2 T fresh squeezed lemon juice + 1/8 t cayenne pepper + 8 oz. distilled water =  1 magical Master Cleanse drink

So here I am, with my water and my odd lemonade concoction, and I’m ready to start the Cleanse. Here goes nothing.

The lemonade tastes about like I remember it… pretty much regular lemonade with a spicy kick. I take about 15 minutes to drink the first glass, and my tummy feels a little grumbly… but nothing too extreme. I have to work at drinking the water slowly… I’m normally thirstier than a camel in the desert, so it takes a bit of effort to remember that I’m doing all of this on a virtually empty stomach.

The day passes, and I busy myself with work, and watch some downloaded television shows (DAMN, I got Smallville in Dutch again! Stupid torrents). I catch up with a few friends online, drink more lemonade, start reading a new novel, drink more water, sort some laundry, drink more lemonade… and then I realize I have a headache. Heather makes us some Smooth Move tea, and we sit and sip while watching the beginning of Zoolander. Before long, she’s passed out on the couch, and I’m more interested in the Master Cleanse discussion forums than I am in Derek Zoolander’s School for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Want to Learn How to Do Other Stuff Good Too. Eventually, Heather wakes up and goes to bed, and I pop a Twilight DVD in to ease me into sleepiness. Before long, I am absolutely starving. It’s like the second my Cleanse partner leaves the immediate vicinity, I want food. Sadly, Heather had the forethought to completely empty the fridge before we started the cleanse. Eff my life. OOH! Butter lettuce! That looks delicious! I snap off two crisp, tender butter lettuce leaves and chew them like a ravenous bunny on crack. The first leaf is like heaven with chlorophyll… the second, not so much. I guess I don’t really need food that badly.

I sulk over the the couch and start watching Twilight, while sipping one last glass of lemonade. I can do this. I can do this.

6th Street Endurance Team: Monday Funday Kicked My Ass June 13, 2009

It’s been a while… quite a while… since my last blog, and after getting several requests for a new one, I decided to combine several of my most recent 6th Street adventures for your entertainment pleasure.

As we all know, Nuno’s is my absolute favorite hangout on 6th Street. The people are the best, the bands are incredible, and I just can’t get enough of live music… especially the blues. But believe it or not, I actually do hang out at other places on 6th. A while back, my girls and I started doing Monday Funday: a girls’ only night of drinking, bar-hopping, and more drinking. The crew usually consists of some combination of me, Johanna, Jessica, Veronica, and Linda. But one particular Monday Funday, Johanna had a date, and Jess and Veronica had to work early, so I was left to my very first Linda-only drinking experience. I wish someone had warned me beforehand.

Linda isn’t downtown yet when I get there, so I start the night at Nuno’s. Just as I am having my inaugural shot for the night, Linda texts me to let me know that she’s at Maggie Mae’s, and that I should hurry up. Cool. I’ll just grab my purse and… what the hell? Where did this vodka tonic come from? Dammit, Nuno. I’m not drinking here tonight! Well, I suppose it would be inconsiderate of me to waste a complimentary drink… Fine. So I suck the vodka tonic down as quickly as possible, then head out the door for Maggie Mae’s.

I arrive at Maggie Mae’s, and Linda is already drinking with her girl Jacqueline, who bartends at Friends. We have a few rounds of drinks and a few shots, then begin the most rapid-fire 6th Street bar crawl I’ve ever experienced.

Shots at Touche. Flaming Dr. Peppers at Touche. Then we leave.

Shots at Pure. Order, pay, drink, leave.

Shots at Treasure Island. The bartender pulls out a book to find the recipe for a kamikaze. Oh, dear. At this point, I request a brief reprieve for a glass of water. Apparently this request is too much to ask. Have to keep moving. No time for water. Only time for shots.

Shots at Cheers. Johanna reports on her lame date via text, and says she’ll meet up with us in a few. I tell her we’re bouncing around. Leave Cheers.

Shots at Chuggin’ Monkey. Verify location with Johanna via text. Then we leave again. Still no time for water.

Shots at Friends. Change location to Johanna via text. She seems annoyed. We actually get two rounds of shots at Friends. Then we leave.

Shots at Dizzy Rooster. Johanna is texting me in all caps, telling me to stay still. I tell her I can’t. Linda is a bossy drunk.We leave again.

Shots at The Library.This is starting to get out of control. Well, actually, it was out of control by the time we hit Treasure Island. But now it’s really out of control. Back to Maggie Mae’s.

Shots at Maggie Mae’s. By now, it’s about midnight. JOHANNA IS HERE!! YAY! She takes one look at me and says, “Oh, no. I should have warned you about Linda. You’re hammered, aren’t you?” Hammered? Me? Nah. I’ve only done shots at 87% of the bars on 6th Street tonight, with no time for sitting, H20 or blood transfusions. Of COURSE I’m hammered!

Johanna and I split off from Linda and Jacqueline and go back to Touche for more shots. Back to Nuno’s for more shots. To Treasure Island again. Then to The Lodge. We’re getting some fantastic pictures! I’m having such a great time, and I can’t wait to recall all of these wonderful memories when I upload the pics to Facebook. Then… nothing. I remember NOTHING. I seriously lose TWO HOURS of my life. Apparently, I ditch JoLlo and run across the street to get a chili dog… then decide I have to buy one for Nuno and Tank, too. By about 1:30, I’m back at Maggie’s, and I say I need to go to the bathroom. Then I leave and go to Nuno’s, alone, apparently in search of my elusive late night snack. When I don’t find it at Nuno’s, I begin asking everyone where my chili dog went. Johanna starts to worry about where I am, but Linda is just as drunk, and she’s telling Johanna I’m fine. But thankfully, JoLlo doesn’t listen. She calls me and I tell her I don’t know where my chili dog is. I only got the chili dog 30 minutes before, and Johanna is steadily telling me that she has my chili dog, and it’s at Maggie’s with her and Linda. But I still think I might find it somewhere at Nuno’s.

Johanna is not amused. She comes to get me at Nuno’s, where I enthusiastially order 3 more shots for me, Jo and Nuno. Nuno, sweet as can be, tells me the shots are on the house. And they’re absolutely delicious. I try to tip him $10. He refuses my tip. I’m confused until Jo explains that he just gave us 3 shots of cranberry juice. FML. Nuno just cut me off without telling me he was cutting me off. I no longer think he’s being sweet.

I also lose my camera. We have no idea where it went. Probably the same mysterious location as the last two hours of my life. I can’t remember any of the bars we visited, so Jo carefully explains where we went, who we saw, and where I might have left it. Fail. Someone has taken my camera and all of my lovely memories. 6th Street has taken my sobriety. Inebriation has taken my dignity. Monday Funday, you kicked my ass.

Then… nothing.