‘Man’ versus ‘Guy’

There’s a reason I don’t date men under the age of 32. (Seems like a random number, but I figured any man with a solid 4 years on me would probably be at or above my own maturity level, making the whole communication thing a bit easier.) I also have some slightly misguided hopes that a man in his 30’s would behave a little bit better than a half-housebroken puppy, which is more than I can ask from any guy in his 20’s.

See what I did there? A ‘man’ in his 30’s versus a ‘guy’ in his 20’s. There is a difference, my friends. And while I often neglect to differentiate between the two in everyday conversation, that knowledge is always there in the back of my mind, as I listen to friends complain about their dating woes, and bang my own head against the wall in frustration at the ‘guys’ I encounter.

How can you tell a ‘man’ from a ‘guy’? I’m glad you asked. It’s not as easy as you might think, but it just so happens that I’ve devised a little field guide for your identification pleasure:

Appearance: A ‘man’ takes pride in his appearance in a subtle way. He may dress down in sweats, wear the classic blue-collar “jeans and work boots” attire, or sport some super-metrosexual couture. Unless he never gets out of his Nike basketball shorts and  LeBron James t-shirt, a male’s choice of clothing has little to do with his status as a ‘man’ or ‘guy.’ What you need to look for here are the details. Does he have recently shaved or trimmed facial hair? Are his nails neatly clipped or filed short? Can you detect only a light hint of cologne or masculine deodorant? Are his clothes, whatever style they may be, clean and presentable? Then you’re probably dealing with a ‘man.’ On the other hand, if the male in question hasn’t he showered in the last 48 hours, looks like his last haircut was sometime in the 20th century, and is sprayed down with 3 bottles of Axe, then you’re definitely dealing with a ‘guy.’ This one is tricky and should probably only be used in conjunction with other identifiers, because ‘guys’ on their way to becoming ‘men’ often develop a sense of pride in their appearance before they develop any other character trait indicative of manhood, especially if they’re on the prowl for a sweet little lady to keep them warm at night.

Car: There are no hard and fast rules on what kind of vehicle you should expect a ‘man’ to drive; only what he shouldn’t be driving. In no way, shape or form is it ever okay for a ‘man’ to use any of the following as his primary mode of transportation: a Mazda Miata; a Mini Cooper; a massive truck with a lift kit, dual exhaust, off-road tires, CB radio, and a silhouette of naked women on the mud flaps; a Ford Mustang; a tricked-out anything; a conversion van; an unmarked van with no windows… or any type of van at all, for that matter. Who cares whether you’re dealing with a ‘man’ or a ‘guy’… the word “van” just screams Chester the Molester.

Home: Whether you’re dealing with someone who crashes in a frat house on Greek Row, or an upper-class homeowner, a stealthy peek at the male’s domicile is the perfect way to establish a stronger theory on his status as a ‘man’ or ‘boy.’ Does your subject appear to pick up after himself, maintain a decently clean kitchen and bathroom, and stock more than Ramen noodles and Kool-Aid in the kitchen? Does his DVD collection extend beyond crude humored movies and hardcore action flicks? Hmm… you might have a ‘man’ on your hands. Does he own more video games than books and DVDs combined? Does he have a hard time deciding between the Pokemon and Spiderman sets when it’s time to change the sheets on his bed? Are all of his drinking glasses imprinted with a beer or liquor brand? Definitely a ‘guy.’

Behavior: There’s no question about it: ‘men’ are biologically predisposed to be providers and caretakers. This doesn’t mean they’re supposed to go to work every day so that you can live a life of luxury at home, eating bon-bons and having afternoon tea with the girls. (But that doesn’t matter anyways, because you’re an independent woman with a a career, goals and dreams of your own, right? Good.) All it means is that a ‘man’ will behave with a sense of chivalry and do little things to show you he cares. A ‘man’ notices something in your house is broken, and fixes it without a word.  He is polite and helpful toward your friends and family, just because he cares about you. He walks you to your car or your front door when it’s time to go home. He carries heavy bags for you, opens the door, and allows you to order your meal at a restaurant before he does. He asks you to go out on a date rather than suggesting you “hang out.” And when he makes plans with you, he doesn’t break them unless he absolutely has no choice. Did your date take to McDonald’s and ask you to go Dutch? Does your date frequently leave you alone while he talks to other people at the bar without including you? Does ‘doing something nice for you’ consist of him not getting so plastered that he vomits on your Jimmy Choos? Yep. You’ve got a ‘guy’ on your hands.

Porn: Yeah, there’s no difference here. They both like porn. A lot. And if you’re not cool with a little adult video action, both a ‘man’ and a ‘guy’ will watch it behind your back. Always.

Now, let’s be honest. Most ‘men’ still possess some ‘guy’ qualities, and probably always will. And a lot of ‘guys’ sometimes behave like ‘men,’ and ‘guys’ can be very charming and a lot of fun. I’m not saying one is better than the other… just that they’re different. Me, I’m still young, so I tend to prefer a ‘man’ with a few ‘guy’ qualities sprinkled in for good measure.

How do you separate the ‘men’ from the ‘guys’?