Target: Engaged

Facebook is plotting against me. It’s doing everything it can to make me feel inadequate. It’s teamed up with some of my oldest friends, and even some newer ones. And it’s succeeding. The weapon of choice? Diamond rings.

Today alone, I read engagement announcements from 3 different girls.

Yesterday, there were 2.

Last week, 5.

And the week before that, 6.

The week before that, 9.

That’s 25 engagements in less than a month, Facebook.

ENOUGH, ALREADY!!

See, the holidays are bad enough with 80% of my family questioning why I’m still single, asking when I’m going to have children, and insinuating that I’m some sort of biological retard because I haven’t grown a human in my womb yet. Facebook (along with my scheming, happily attached friends) seems to think that throwing in a little peer pressure for good measure might serve to increase my single-girl anxiety enough to go ahead and click “Buy Now” on that Russian Mail-Order Husband I was checking out last week. Joke’s on you, Facebook. I read the return policy on that one, and I’m practicing smart consumerism by waiting until I can buy a man that comes with a Money-Back Guarantee.

So, for the sake of my sanity… please… God… no more engagements in the month of January. Of course I’m ecstatic for all the happy couples who just can’t wait to pledge their undying love to one another for all the social media world to witness… but I’m conflicted. The hopeless romantic in me wants to congratulate everyone with virtual hugs, delightful sorority-girl squeals of “Eeeeeeeeeeee!!” and requests to hear the engagement story and see pictures of the ring…but the chronically-single-to-the-point-where-I-can’t-even-identify-an-eligible-bachelor-worth-dating-within-the-Austin-metro-area side of me just wants to click “Hide” on all of those gushy status updates in my Mini Feed, or worse yet, start a “Defriending People That Make You Feel Inferior” Fan Club. Yeah, yeah… I know. It’s not nice to be bitter. But it’s just so damn easy.

So, as my good friend Terry says, “If you can’t beat ’em… join ’em.” And to that end…

I’m pleased to announce my Facebook engagement to Terry Andrew Wendel. We’re registered at Bed Bath & Beyond, Target, Amazon, Marietta Home Brew, and any and all liquor stores. Feel free to send cash, too. In large amounts. We’ll send out Save the Date cards… sometime.